Either …. Or

An interesting point that I heard recently heard in a seminar is that we are taught that through out our lives we have to make constant decisions between one thing or another. Like as if we are to be successful in one part of lives then another part of our life is to suffer, or as if for each time we achieve a positive outcome we must also suffer a negative consequence or failure in some aspect of our lives.

This type of thinking leads me to speculate is this a belief held by so many because people keep an actual internal counter that tabulates all of the good and bad occurrences and calculates the balances of  the good and bad events in their lives thus proving to themselves that mathematically this type of thinking is possibly correct, or would it be more correct to say that this is an unrealistic expectation that we set within ourselves that causes us to search for negative consequences to happen any and every time we achieve some modicum of success. It is easy to see how this type of thinking would cause anyone to then in their search find just about any unfortunate even in their life and qualify it as being the “consequence” they have to suffer in the name of success. Finally there is the possibility that in just simply believing that something bad must happen when something good happens may cause us to actually create an opportunity for something negative to happen in our lives. Each one of these possible beliefs creates what is called a limiting belief that could keep anyone from achieving almost any level of success. 

 Limiting beliefs are limitations we place on our own potential that we create based on the beliefs we hold as true for various reasons. The true potential of any individual I believe is truly limitless, unfortunately most people spend most of their time and energy holding themselves back from achieving or getting the things they want most in life.  Two things many people experience that stop them from achieving their goals and desires are Conditioned Helplessness and Self Deservedness issues.

Conditioned Helplessness I have spoke about previously but I feel it is so important that it bears repeating. Another example I would like to give of conditioned helplessness previously I gave the example of how elephants are typically contained to a certain area at the circus by a simple wooden steak driven into the ground with a steel chain to keep the elephants in place when they are not performing. Today I would like to give a less elegant example to shed more light on the human condition involved in this type of problem. 

Ted is a college student whom is having trouble handling the work load of his classes and is carrying a low grade point average. He works very hard just to keep up the grade he has currently and feels that he may not be cut out for higher academics. Both of his parents never went to college and average a pretty respectable income. Ted also thinks to him self that since his parents never went to college, that he really doesn’t need to go to college himself and that if not going to college was good enough for them it is good enough for him besides he would be wasting his time if he continued working on getting a degree if he has to work so hard to make a grade just well enough to pass. With in all of this Ted keeps thinking of a teacher he had at one time in high school that had told him that if he didn’t  work hard and get good grades in college he would never get a degree and that he would be wasting his time.

From just this example do you think Ted has truly thought about all of his options? Is his future guaranteed to be just as successful as his parents without a college degree? Does it seem Ted has even thought about maybe looking into a different course of study?  Of course the answer is “no” on all counts. Ted has built a belief that there is only one course of action at the college he is attending and that he does not have the capability of gaining any form of satisfaction from learning more without gaining a higher grade point average than he currently holds. Additionally he is deciding in a way that his parents are a perfect example of how successful one can be without a college degree and that he is no better than them. Ted is making these momentous decisions and has not even bothered to ask himself if he even likes the courses he is taking or the career he is studying in college. Again the answer is no all that he is focusing on how this is simply a waste of his time because he is not achieving high grades and that his efforts are not getting him the results he feels he should be getting. All of these are limiting beliefs he is allowing to hold him back from a potential college degree. Even if he simply continued the way he is now, he is passing and would get a degree at the end of 4 years. In this right he fails to see that he would succeed, despite feeling helpless about further to improvements to his grades and instead found satisfaction in the grades he has earned thus far. 

He has cornered himself in his thoughts and emotion, and has the idea that to get out of this trap he has set for himself he could either quit school and get a job to start a career out of a job he could get and work now like his parents have, or he could stay in school and eek out a barely passing grade and then get a job after college in the field he has studied for. But if he quits now he would not have to put into getting his diploma and get a job he may not like, or he could finish college and get a job he probably will like but have to do a lot of work to get there. Either … Or

Deservedness issues are another story. What we all believe we truly deserve to receive in our lives is often a very deep value that we ourselves may not even truly be aware of. Our conscious minds can believe that we deserve many things, while deep down our unconscious mind holding all of our deepest thoughts and emotions holds a fundamentally different set of values concerning the things we deserve. The most commonly found conflict concerning what one deserves appears in the areas of careers and relationships. May people make attempts at achieving success in various fields of employment but in their lifetimes achieve very limited results because they do not feel they deserve to achieve anymore than a certain level of success. This is well noticeable amongst those in business related fields. Have you ever known anyone whom is very hard working and generally very easy to get along with, but for some reason every time they are up for promotion seems to have some unfortunate circumstances they could have easily avoided but did not, that causes them get passed up for the promotion they should have received? For further example, often has it been quoted by those in horribly abusive relationships, they could not leave their abusive relationship because they deserved that kind of treatment, or they would never find anyone better than the person that abused them. These are only a couple of examples of how these types of issues can affect a person and cause many problems that range in size from things that are just minor inconveniences, all the way up the scale to constant life threatening danger, and most people are never even aware they have this kind of conflict in their internal struggle. Deservedness issues have a way of creeping through our lives and literally cause us to hold ourselves fast to the idea that we do not deserve many things, that if we but knew they existed and took a moment to look at ourselves through the eyes of those whom truly care about us, would evaporate like the morning dew as the sun rises into the summer sky. 

Either…or equations are seemingly every where in our lives, but we can choose better ways to make these equation work for us instead of against us, after all we can either choose to make the most of our lives and seize the moment right now to make a positive change and get everything you want right now… or we can do it tomorrow after all we could all take a moment to relish the last moment of our miseries so that we may remember them when the time comes that you have made the decision to get the most out of you efforts and life, that have a way of leaving you with a never ending sense of satisfaction that you are truly getting all that you deserve in life. As you smile “that” smile that comes from know you can do it, and you hear the sounds on old chains breaking as the links scatter upon the floor and the wings of your heart take flight on the winds of the boundless future only you can create, as brilliant as the colors of the setting sun.